Doubts are a weird thing: They come and go … and out of the blue come again from nowhere and totally unexpected.
Whilst sensuality is the factor which makes us get into relationships,
the comfort of having ‘an emotional anchor’ in such times seems to be a large factor why couples stay together and also why like-minded communities exist.
The only disadvantage in relying on others for the sake of certainty and emotional stability is that the ‘snapping back’ into ones strength also does lock one in an old role, which does inhibit unorthodox and fast transformations our inner free spirit silently calls for.
This could be one reason for the increase of divorces or separations.
For worldly success to be strenghened by community is favourable,
(“behind each successful person there is its partner“);
but for self-exploration it is solitude as I will explain to you on my example.
As an extreme extrovert I did believe that sharing my newest spiritual insights and methods with others would make the world brighter. I believed that by doing it for free I could reach most seekers. (And by writing this article I still do it.)
Yet I had not been aware that on an unconscious level I had hoped for the recipients to shine something back onto me – like me starting a game of ping-ping in the expectency of others playing the ball back. (A few did in a big way and I am very grateful for them.)
But when it turned out that after 5 ½ years only very few had ‘re-motivated’ me by walking with me; I started to beg for some literal ‘feed-back’ in the form of donations.
The new problem I faced was that I now had found myself in a position of imposing my ‘wisdoms’ on others who didn’t ask for them in the first place, which put me in the corner of being ‘on a preachy mission’.
On top of that I recently blogged a video about our emotional entanglement to donations, which made me feel like a hypocrite when asking for donations directly below that post. (Here ist is once more for those of you who haven’t seen it: )
But on a deeper level there was a more problematic issue with opeing my heart to the world. In the movie Constantine he said that “if you see demons, they also see you”, meaning that I was opening doors not only to grateful recipients of my information but also to their doubts.
And when those criticisms came from different angles, I found myself in a triangulated position of having to satisfy multiple roles at once:
One stubbornly refused to even give it a try, others had implemented physical exercises I could not even do, the teacher and his teacher turned out to be sleazebags, whilst on the other site I was shunned for not defending him.
As I could not satisfy the role of a souverain motivator who is larger than life;
in the end I doubted whether throughout the last 26 years I had dedicated my life to some kind of made-up ‘fake’.
My attempts to compensate by being funny also backfired because light humour didn’t suit my state of mind anymore, so when I finally did face the music and conveyed my deepest doubts I sensed that some of those who had supported me lost respect for either me or the meditation-kriya I tried to promote; which made the situation even worse.
What happened was the same what happens to a child which throughout its life lived pious in the hope to get rewarded by the heavenly father only to realise at one stage that a personified god doesn’t exist.
So in the end I stopped my daily practice alltogether, which I had build up so long and tediously over decades.
I then learned that on the way of nondualism, the entanglement with dualistic minds whom you have to justify yourself to can seriously harm your resolve.
(Here once more a video I recently reblogged for those who haven’t seen it)
This is how my story did (not) end:
After a week of contemplation I first realised that The root of vulnerabilities of empaths is to define oneself through the experience of others.
My problem was that my confidence was outsourced into the consciousness of my environment. So yes, we all are one but without a sense of self one lacks a compass.
Talking compass: I also had this image in my mind
of walking through the desert of life and the worst would be to turn around in the middle, so the path back will surely be as long as I got there;
yet the next well could be just behind the next hill.
And I also came to the conclusion that I lost sight of the wood for the trees, because right in front of my eyes was my own life-experience:
After long meditations I already had tremendous spiritual insights, experienced feelings of serenity, and undeniable mystical experiences.
So who am I to argue with, and doubt myself?
Plus the better is the enemy of good, meaning: Why should I have to always optimise a meditation-exercise which in itself turned out to be complete already?
I drew the consequences of first taking out all pleas for donations and replaced them with a payed course for a nominal fee to ensure real interest: (I actually am happier with 1 sincere participant than 111 oblivious subscribers of whom 2/3 just came to be followed back.)
I also took out the last chaotic course as well as all other informations of the menu to make room for my from the ground up new concise course version 3.0
And then – most importantly – I went back to what I consider to be the purpose of my life:
To evolve spiritually as high as I can in this life, in order to dissolve my entanglement with worldly illusions which Buddhism declares to be the source of all suffering.
And that meant for me to get back to practicing Sodarshan Chakra Kriya
– but this time for myself and not for others in the back of my mind anymore.
I want to add that I still would not like to miss my occasional attacks of self-doubt,
because self-reflections are neccessary to check whether ones current path is deranged or justified.
But let this be a lesson not to impose your wisdoms onto others.
Even if it is in the best of intentions – don’t feel obliged to share them too early.
Eventually the right people will be drawn to you naturally without you making any noise.